the worst day

Today has been the worst day.

Last night I went out with the girls and ate a big supper. I felt like a brick was sitting in the pit of my stomach after that. I came home and spent half the night not sleeping. This morning I didn't feel so well. My stomach still hurt, I woke up with a headache (usually happens after a night of crappy sleep) and I was so stinkin tired.

I went to diaper gym and hung out with the girls, trying unsuccessfully to have patience with my ornery children.

This afternoon I had a few "stomach troubles" (nice euphemism eh?) and continued not feeling so hot. Around 3 it occurred to me that I hadn't felt the baby move today. My stomach was rock hard and sore and back pain had set in. I went and laid on the bed and tried to relax. No movement. I rubbed my stomach and tried to disturb Petunia a bit. Still no movement. I changed positions a couple of times, I tried laying partly on my stomach to squish her a little. She's usually really responsive to all of this. Nothing.

I called Steven to tell him and burst into tears. "I can't feel the baby, I've been laying in bed in different positions and I just can't feel her. I think something's wrong."

He was home about ten minutes later.

I drove to emergency - I think that's where you're supposed to go for things like this. They entered me into the computer and sent me off to wait for the nurse. The nurse asked how far along I was. 38 weeks.

Apparently at 38 weeks you don't go to emergency, you just get admitted to the hospital. She sent me back to the desk. The girls behind the desk start a conversation about whether I can get a non-stress test or whether I have to be admitted. My doctor wasn't in today. I couldn't get a non stress test without the doctor sending me over for one. I told them there was a second doctor I had also been seeing. I also said that I didn't care about all those tests, and that I didn't think I was in labour (they didn't really feel like admitting me if I wasn't in labour), and that all I wanted was for someone to tell me that Petunia's little heart was beating. By this time I'm fighting tears. It was all so ridiculous.

They told me to drive over to the clinic and see if my 2nd doctor was still there. I arrived at the clinic a complete mess, stressed out and convinced that my baby had actually died just weeks before my due date. I got up to the desk at the clinic and started to explain to the one receptionist what I needed. Dr. #2 was gone already. The other receptionist hangs up the phone and says "You're to go back to the hospital, they're going to admit you."

I turned and left, more tears. At this point all the things that I may have done to harm my baby are swirling through my thoughts and I'm convinced that if they would just check already maybe she would be okay or maybe they could help her. She's usually a mover and a shaker - a day of nothing is really really weird.

I arrived back at the hospital where I was admitted. The nurse found a heartbeat right away. I've never felt so relieved. It's odd how we love them so much when all they are so far is a bundle of bones kicking you in all your vital organs. I was hooked up to a monitor and told to push a button each time I felt her move. I still felt nothing, but the monitor showed that she was indeed moving. Again, relief. Steven showed up during this test. I felt bad that I pulled him away from work for nothing, but it really wasn't nothing when it was happening. Steven didn't mind, my normally calm collected, laid back hubby has never looked so concerned. I was so happy to tell him that the heartbeat was happily thumping away.

While this was happening, I started feeling actual contractions. My back and stomach had been kind of sore all day, which I had attributed to just a bad digestive experience, and now I was having contractions and intermittent lower back pain. We weren't sure how long it would take to turn into real contractions if it was, so we went home. The contractions started at about four o'clock.

They continued at home. I've been having contractions for a couple of weeks, but they were little ones, with mild discomfort. Sure I had hoped they'd turn into real labour, but they never did. The ones today were actual contractions. I walked around the block a couple of times and almost had to sit in the grass a few times to let things ease off. I came home and laid on the bed while Steven got the kids ready for bedtime. My back and stomach continued to painfully contract.

A friend called. I chatted with her for a few minutes and then I called my sister in law, Deanne. She said she'd come over shortly. Steven and I were going to walk around the block a few more times to see if things would really get going and then head over to the hospital. I hung up on Deanne and got out of bed. The contractions slowed. I walked up and down the hall. They stopped. I walked around the block twice (equalling a mile). Nothing.

Mother nature is kind of a b*tch sometimes. I had actual painful labour for close to 4.5 hours, only to have to completely disappear. How the heck is that even possible? And it's not like I'm one of those wimpy people who moan at every little sensation - I had my last two babies drugs free for crying out loud! Not that it was fun, but I did it. I know what labour feels like, and today sure felt like it was going to eventually end with a baby.

I am a little (okay a lot) frustrated.

Steven went out to get me a blizzard to make me feel better. He thinks I deserve it. I think so too.