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Showing posts from January, 2013

babies and husbands, as per jordan.

This morning I was listening to the radio. 92.1 FM. My favorite morning show. They were talking about a viral video of two dutch guys at a birth clinic, hooked up to a machine that (supposedly) lets them feel what labour feels like. They had electrodes attached to their stomachs and pelvis area.

The radio hosts were joking and laughing and cringing over the pain.

I thought briefly that maybe I should shut it off, but they weren't going into too much detail so I let it play. Then I got to school. Tennyson hopped out right away, Jordan hung back. She had that nervous look about her.

"What's wrong?" I asked. I knew right away she was freaking out over the radio show.

"I don't want to grow up," she said.

"Okay," I said. She just stared at me.

"Why?" I asked. "Because of what was on the radio?"

She nodded. "I don't want to get a baby. It's going to hurt, I'm scared."

I sighed. "Jordan, that's a lo…
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On the Kraft "cheese sauce" Packet:


Um, yeah, I might have seen it on the shelf. No, this is not it. This is original Kraft Dinner. With its original powdered cheese-flavored sauce.

But thanks for making me feel worse about my already-guilty-pleasure. If I was concerned with servings of vegetables I wouldn't be feeding the kids Kraft Dinner.

Do I want you to put cauliflower in it? No.

Fiber? No.

Trying to take a heavily processed, nutritionally vacant product and make it healthy? Not working. So don't wreck it.


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Steven at MacDonald's (not that we ever actually end up there):

"Hey, that's a delicious looking big mac you're eating. The nutritional value is right here on the back of the place mat. Wanna know how many calories are in that?"

"No." Take giant bite.

"No really it says right here..." Begins to tell me the number anyway.

I slam down my delicious hamburger "No! I said no! I do not want to kno…
me: Now I'm playing Words With Friends. I hate scrabble.

steven: then why are you playing it?

me: because it's something i can cheat at and WIN!

steven laughs

jordan: how do you cheat?

me: Well, you go on the internet, wait, no Jordan. When you play games with friends you don't cheat.


Unless you're playing against pirates.
ON BUBBLE GUPPIES (stupidest show ever)

Kid 1: I want some bubble bites!
Kid 2: I want some bubble bites!
Store owner: Oh no! We only have one box left! What are we to do?

Me: FIGHT!!

Tennyson and Jordan: Uh, no. They have to share Mommy.

Jeez. They would not do well in Supermarket Showdown.

girlfriends

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no left turns

Alright, I'm going to complain - and then I'm going to post a second post with the cutest picture of the day so far so that the complaining post isn't on top for the next few weeks until I feel so inclined to blog again.

I get that there is a lot of snow. Seriously, I do see it. With that being said, why on earth is the best possible time to clear snow 8:30 in the morning? Why?

I'll try not to take this personally.

But it is personal. They blocked the route I use to take the kids to school. You might think that there would be more than one reasonable route to school.

You would be wrong.

I have this thing with left hand turns (I swear I'm not just writing this so that none of you ever asks me for a ride again, for yourself or your children, ever). I hate them. Oh sure, if it's not busy I don't mind stopping at a stop sign and making that left. As soon as it's busy? I hate it. I get serious stop sign road rage. Not even rage. Road anxiety. The kids learn …
In a moment the fire hall is going to be three people fuller.

January, February, Saskatchewan

I had this brilliant idea that I was going to try and blog every day, or almost every day. I blogged two days in a row and then nothing. I'm sure I had something to say, I'm sure it was even hugely entertaining. I'm sure it wasn't.

Ever have a day where you think you'll just start a blog post and you'll figure it out once you get going, and then you start and you just can't figure it out and it's ridiculous but you keep writing anyway and then realize it's really, really, really bad and just delete it once you stop and realize that people actually read this? I do that all the time. Well, not lately. I used to. Lately I just . . .

Whatever.

Ever just feel totally grumpy?

I think I'm one of those seasonal grumpy people. I love summer, fall is okay, Christmas is fun (but stressful, and who doesn't have at least one good cry over the Christmas season, really?), and then this time of year sets in. You know what I mean.

January, February. March to…

daddy's girls and wiping bums

I'm washing dishes. Steven is clearing the table and putting leftovers into a container. It is a riveting opening scene for this blog post. I know, you don't have to tell me.

"Just save enough rice for that amount of sauce to make sense," I say.
"In what?" Steven asks.
"I don't know, that black thing I cooked veggies in."
"There's not even enough to bother using that."
"I don't know, just use a bowl."
"A what?"
"A cereal bowl."
"Huh?"
We argue all the time about who is deafer. It's definitely him. I think it's probably more that we only half-listen half of the time. Actually, when I can't hear him it's because he mumbles. Then when I finally figure it out I still say "huh" a few times and he repeats himself a few more times because he hasn't caught on yet that I'm messing with him.
"Huh?" he asks a final time.
I sigh at his obvious deafness an…

thursday, play dates, groceries, clown cars

Oh shit, I completely forgot that I was going to resolve to stop swearing in the new year. Too late now. I've got about 355 more days to get it out of my system.

I've been thinking lately about why I don't blog as much as I used to. I've decided to blame my friends. Today I talked on the phone with two different people, texted at least that many, and had three different facebook chat windows open at the same time. Once upon a time I'd think of something interesting to say, or something notable would happen and I'd blog about it. Now I text someone or pick up the phone and once I've told someone my super-fun gossip/tidbit/life experience it's out of my system, never to be seen in the blogosphere.

Basically, I have to dump all of you if I'm going to start blogging again. Goodbye cruel, super awesome friends.

Aside from the phone, texts and facebook messaging, I actually did have a fairly productive day. This morning I took Jordan and Tennyson to schoo…

i'm not sure how to title these random posts. "what i did in 2012, and other musings" or "16 random reasons why i'm awesome" or "my blog has a new post and yours doesn't" or "nobody reads this anymore anyway, but just in case..."

I read Odd Apocalypse on the weekend, and The Lovely Bones yesterday and today. Both good, both heavy.

Now I need something light and fluffy.

****

I was driving along today and I thought of something really cool about myself that I figured I should probably add to the horribly long and drawn out 100 Things About Me in 2012, but I can't remember what it was. You're probably worse off for it. My apologies.

****

Tonight I gave Tennyson a hug as I tucked him in and I said "I love you Tennyson," and he said "I love you Mommy." I hugged him a little tighter and was about to let him go and he added, "And I love tacos."

Thanks kid. I'm so glad that your love for me is akin to the feelings you have for tacos. He makes me laugh.

****

Any new year's resolutions? I really have none either.
Okay, I lied. I resolve to get skinny. There. I said it. The last few years I self-righteously preached "Oh no, don't make resolutions about weight, make t…