in the van

Jordan: Mommy, do you want to crash into that car again?
Me: No, Jordan, I'm not going to crash the van again.
Jordan: Then why are you driving so fast?

Some days.

Psst - Don't tell Ange and Lyla, but I've been listening to 103.1 in the van lately. I have lots of excuses.

Funny (or not so funny) story:

One day I was riding along in the van, with all my kids, listening to my new Pink CD. I may be getting over Pink actually. There were only a few songs I liked in the first place, and I think she's got to get over the angry thing.

Okay, van, new cd, kids.


I had never listened to the CD before. I should have known better, because I have most of her other CDs.
The Funhouse song came on. I need to reiterate, I hadn't listened to the song before. For all I knew, Pink could have decided to clean up her music. For all I knew. Because I didn't.

Lyrics? Okay!

This used to be a funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down down down
I'm gonna burn it down

9, 8, 7, 6 5 4, 3, 2, 1, fun

Oh, I'm crawling through the doggy door
My key don't fit my lock no more
I'll change the drapes I'll break the plates
I'll find a new place
Burn this f*ck*r down

That last line? The instruments quiet down and she gets louder and meaner and really enunciates her words in a way that would make any English teacher proud.

I almost peed my pants. I actually gasped really loud and scared Jordan at the same time as I punched the CD off.

Jordan: Mommy what??
Me: Nothing! I just saw a puppy over there, do you see him?
Jordan: No - where?
Me: Oh, sorry you must have missed him.

Crisis averted. the kids aren't allowed to listen to Pink anymore. I haven't actually listened to the CD since then since I'm always followed around by my Under 4 Nose Picking Entourage. That makes them sound really cute, doesn't it? Oh how I love them. Even though they're in up to their wrists at any given time.

Ange and Lyla, look, over there! A puppy!

Okay, don't tell Ange and Lyla (because I've been heckling them for years about their music choices), but I've been listening to country music stations. It's not bad. I've realized a few things as I travel along listening to the country station.

It's hilarious. Ever notice how country music writers have to stoop to the lowest common denominator to try and make a song sad/funny/happy/cliched as all heck? Ever heard the song "Cowgirl Don't Cry?" I think that's what it's called, that line is said about 49 times in the song. The last verses:

Phone rang early one morning
Her momma's voice, she'd been crying
Said it's your daddy, you need to come home
This is it, I think he's dying
She laid the phone down by his head
The last words that he said

Cowgirl don't cry
Ride, baby, ride
Lessons in life show us all in time
Too soon God lets you know why
If you fall get right back on
Good Lord calls everybody home
Cowgirl don't cry

It's the kind of thing that makes you sad. Of course it makes you sad, they know it's going to make you sad.

But it kind of makes me laugh too.

Don't get me started on sad cliched cheese - remember when Anikan Skywalker's mom died? Remember how everyone in the theater cried? I unintentionally burst out laughing. I was all sad right up until the moment she died. Remember how Anikan gently cradled her in his arms and then she whispered out her last words, made one last croaking sound and her head just flopped over? It really struck me as funny. I'm sure all the sobbing people in the seats around me weren't impressed. I think Steven was amused/embarrassed/a little more in love with me after that.

Back to the song. She laid the phone down by his head? Seems dumb. The things we have to do to make lines rhyme. I know if my husband was dying I'd definitely just drop the phone onto the pillow by his head and then go for a pee while he croaked out his last few words to my kid.

Lyla Ann, if you're still reading this instead of looking for that puppy - don't pretend you're all aghast. Let's just remind everyone right now that you never ever cry at the movies, even when stuff really IS sad. Remember our little movie nickname for you? I won't give it away, but it rhymes with Mice Frincess.

Okay, okay, I'm not really picking on Lyla - it's this ongoing thing we have about crying at movies. Ange and I will start to sniffle and Lyla gets the giggles. We sniff, she laughs, we sniff, she laughs more. We scold her, she laughs more, then we laugh, then she laughs, then we sob and she . . . (wait for it) . . . laughs.

Let's talk about the cowboys. The "cowboys" are hilarious. I always thought you had to work with livestock to be a cowboy. It turns out that this is not so. All you need is a clear cherubic voice, a cowboy hat and a pair of jeans at least 2 sizes too small. I think it's supposed to be sexy. In real life, it looks like the cowboy was poured into the jeans, filling every seam, stitch and button hole to the brim.


Yep. Real turn on. Tim McGraw was on Rachel Ray this morning. He actually managed to sit down on a chair wearing those jeans. I was quite impressed. And his cowboy hat; I know that if I interviewed someone I wouldn't want to see their eyes. It's a big hat, a dark shadow, a nose and a goatee-framed mouth. Men, are you still doing the goatee thing?

Take off that hat! There is no sun on the Rachel Ray set to interfere with the cows you won't be lassoing (in your tight pants).

I'm going to wrap my naked self in tinfoil and tell everyone I'm an astronaut. Because if I'm wearing the outfit it must be true. Even if it's not exactly the outfit.

I really have no idea where I'm going with this. It just amuses me. I make my own amusement.

I'll admit that I used to listen to country music when I was in high school. Many many years ago. Today a song came on that I really used to love. The sun was shining, the kids were quietish and it made me kind of feel young again. I meant to say younger. It was a Garth Brooks song. He tight-assed-pants'd it with the best of them.