emotionally drained

I'm not going to be all mopey. Okay, maybe a little bit mopey. My kids are in bed after a long day and I feel like I should go relax but I'm unsettled, and I feel like I should do the dishes and clean up the kitchen, but my head isn't in that either.

My 15 year old cousin met with some violence this weekend. She's in the hospital where she's had one surgery already and will be faced with numerous surgeries to come. I won't go into detail. I found out about this yesterday morning and have been on an emotional roller coaster ever since. When my kids are busy and goofy or silly I'm amused by them as usual, but as soon as I have some down time I get thinking about my cousin again and I turn into an emotional mess again. I think the kids think I'm nuts, and I'm trying to be patient with them but you know how it is.

Last night I talked with my dad on the phone. He's exceptionally angry with one of his sisters and he'd very likely been drinking so the talk turned kind of violent. I won't get into details about that either. If you know my dad at all I don't have to. It took me forever to fall asleep last night, and when I did I had nightmares. At one point I half woke up in a panic thinking there was a man standing at the end of the bed in the dark. I sat up and flipped on the light to find nobody there. Sometimes I have to turn lights on to prove to myself that all is okay. Is it okay to have afraid-of-the-dark moments when you're grown? I sat there for a few minutes, my heart racing before finally shutting off the light and trying to fall back asleep.

I fear for my kids. I worry that I won't be able to protect them from things. This ranges from them being bullied at nursery school to being beat up in high school later. I worry that someone will snatch one, or that their little hands will slip out of mine in a busy parking lot and they'll be hit by a car. I worry that something bad is going to happen to one of them one day and I'll be powerless to stop it.

Do you ever feel that way? Like this time is fleeting? Now I sort of feel like they're safe. I am always with them whether they're in a store or at a relatives house or we're all out with friends. I'm always there, I'm always watching. I think sometimes that Jordan pushes buttons so hard because I'm on her so much. I know that, I think it's the one bit of nervous-mommying that I hold onto. I've spanked both of them for stepping onto the road without me. I kind of freak out when they stand on stools to get themselves cups for the water cooler. I know that I should relax about things, but I want them so badly to be safe. My yard has a six foot fence around it. I both love and hate the fence at the same time. Sometimes I think it would be neat to live in the country with no fence around the yard, and mile after mile of waving crops around us. Then I wonder how I'd ever find one of them if they wandered off the yard. That's the part of me that loves the fence. I especially love the fence living in this town.

Then I think of my cousin, and I think of men who immediately turn to violent thoughts when angry at someone. A 6 foot privacy fence does nothing. Nothing.

Sometimes I really don't get this world or many of the people in it.