yawn

I used to blog more. Sometimes I go back and reread parts of my blog, and I think, this was fun! I'm glad I did this, I forget all these things otherwise!

Not sure when exactly I became a non-blogger. I feel like maybe it was facebook, or getting my iPhone and texting people my little stories and random thoughts all day. Once I've told somebody something, it's "out there," and I don't feel the draw to come in here and write about it. Maybe I should just stop telling people things until after I've blogged.

I didn't sleep much last night, probably because of all the coke in the paralyzers. After a night of tossing and turning and weird dreams, I finally just gave up on having a really good sleep at about 5:30.

Then, all the coffee, and catching up on some blogs I read, and wondering why I essentially quit.

Tennyson was up here at 6:30 and hopped on the other computer. Did you know that boys can't play computer games without becoming their own narrators? It's true. I had to shush him multiple times.

Their little noises and tappings, and "pew pew pew" drive me nuts. I know, as a mom I should be used to all the little weird noises that come with kids (and Steven), but most times I'm annoyed at just how noisy they are when they're saying nothing. Why? Why can't they just sit in quietude? Mitchell has now taken his place. He is also whispering things to himself. He's also pouting because he managed to unplug the computer and had to restart it. Probably because he walks over here wrapped in all his bedding, and drags it over top of the cords.

It surprises me how old he looks lately. He's losing his baby face, and although he's still smallish and scrawny, he looks like he's not a little boy anymore. He does still try and play the little boy card when I try and get him to do chores, or clean up after himself, and he's got some serious pouting-power.

He also knows I'm watching him and he's trying to pretend I'm not.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how fast this is all going, and how it'll feel like tomorrow that they start packing their belongings into cars and leaving. I don't like it. They're changing daily. They're turning into people. I do like their independence. Yesterday I read a book for an hour and then had a hot bath while the kids played with each other, and came in and out of the house (I said they had to stay on the yard), and fetched themselves their own snacks, and I didn't have to worry about it.

I loved my babies, but I also really like my big kids. I think I've always been more of a kid person than a baby person. But I think I really do feel it that they're needing me less. To be honest, I'm a little lost lately. I've switched from Mommy to Mom (you other moms know what I mean), my kids are all in school all day, I don't have a real job. It's a little like the world is evolving around and without me.

I've applied for some teaching jobs in the last year. I haven't gotten any, obviously. People tell me I shouldn't let it get me down, but it feels like failure. When I'm subbing, I get asked constantly, "are you looking for jobs? Or are you just subbing?" I hate it. Friends say that people are just asking because they're making conversation, but to me it feels personal, and I feel embarrassed. I don't know if the better answer is "yes, I'm looking for a job, but I can't seem to get hired," or "no, clearly subbing is where it's at."

I wonder if I'm too old. I never really expected to be in my mid-30s and have no clue about what I'm doing.

Comments

Pamela said…
I TOTALLY get the Mommy to Mom role change and I've even begun to move from that as my 2/3 of my kids are now legal adults *gulp*

There are some benefits to subbing....no report cards to write, no curriculum deadlines, no parent teacher interviews, no concerts to attend....and the list goes on...

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